I don't believe we grow older. Rather, at a certain age, some choose to stand still and stagnate.

Kendall will be 11 years old in October.

When Kendall was in the Head Start program, the bus dropped him off at home one day around noon to an empty house in which he could not get into. One of the neighbors saw the little tyke out wandering the streets in tears and confusion (in one of the absolutely most dangerous neighborhoods in town) and called my mom. My mom offered to pay her to bring him to her house – she did and he’s lived here ever since. I did not learn about this incident until I moved here a couple of years ago – my mom probably chose to keep it from me for fear of the repercussions to his mother.

His father used to go way out on a limb and actually see or phone him every year at his birthday and Christmas, but it seems that luxury was a bit overexerting for him – he’s neither called nor seen him now in 3 years…not even as much as a birthday card.

I lived just up the road in a tiny country cottage on rented farm property. Though I didn’t have room in the cottage for Kendall to live there, he did spend weekends with me, and some nights through the week when he was out of school in the summer. When it became clear that his mother was not going to be cleaning up her act any time soon, I went ahead with procedures to get full custody of Kendall. At around that same period, it became obvious to me that my mom wasn’t doing very well living alone, so through an unusual course of events in which EVERYthing literally fell into place as if destined to be so, my mom deeded me her house – which at the time was just about falling in on top of her – and I moved in so I could take care of her and Kendall. It’s a huge old house with plenty of room for all of us. With a $60,000 mortgage taken out on the old place, I was able to do the major repairs needed to make the place suitable for human habitation, plus put up a barn and clear and fence the land for my horses. Still so much left to do, I’m wondering if I live to 200, if I’ll be able to get it all done. All the same, there's no other way I could've afforded a house this size on 3 acres of land with a fence and barn for $60,000.

Kendall is SUPER intelligent and can be unusually mature for a 10-year old. He’s maintained almost straight A’s on report cards since he started school, and that with very little effort. He’s unusually sensitive for a boy his age, and it seems I am becoming successful in turning him into a nature freak. His favorite subjects in school are math and science and for the past 2 years, he’s been in the CLIMB program – a class that meets once a week and geared especially towards students who have shown signs of being a little ahead of the average student in learning capabilities. This past year, his CLIMB class covered Crime Scene Investigation and studies in outer space – 2 subjects of which he was literally obsessed with while they were studying these things. Though he loves to read and write and has a very wide variety of interests, his spelling abilities leave much to be desired. He also enjoys drawing cars, trucks, airplanes and science fiction creatures.

Kendall enjoys the outdoors and ‘horsing around’ with me and the mares. He’s sort of taken over ownership of my Appaloosa mare and loves to ride. Last year, we even took up jumping the mares over low logs and he just loved it. He’s had no formal riding lessons – I just put him on her and let him do whatever he felt comfortable to him, whenever he felt ready, and he’s turned out to be a surprisingly good rider.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD, with a thorough examination by a therapist (with the cooperation between his teachers and therapist) and a physician and is currently on medication. The medication has helped some,…more or less just taken the ‘edge’ off of the hyperactivity and temper issues, but every little bit helps. He is in therapy with a wonderful therapist whom Kendall absolutely LOVES – a therapist who also has ADHD and who has 2 children who have it.

Kendall is fiercely independent, which though a good quality to have, often makes parenting a bit of a challenge. And he seems to have issues with respect towards women in general. I was the first woman in his life willing to take responsibility and show any level of strength, so needless to say, that has been a difficult adjustment for him, since before I took over the home, he was pretty much in charge here. The ensuing power struggle and his problems with getting and staying focused are probably our biggest problem areas. But he’s very loving and affectionate and forgiving, and overall, we get along really well. Being a bit of a kid myself, despite my physical age, seems to help a lot.

Next entry, I’ll introduce Keyana (or Kiki, as we call her), Kendall’s sister.

Granny’s spiritual and social meanderings have moved elsewhere. This blog is now formally dedicated to grandchildren and family life, as is only befitting for a granny, eh?

It seems that less-than-perfect circumstances have placed me into the position of being a single parent again. Obviously, I didn’t do the grandest job the first go-round, or I wouldn’t be raising my grandchild. Though I feel that life since my first child-rearing experience has prepared me to parent a bit better than the first time, times have changed almost as much as I have. I’ll use this blog as a forum to moan about the obstacles I confront and plea for input from others, who may have had similar experiences, and weathered them soundly. But not to harp upon the negative, I’ll also use it to brag and show off, of COURSE!

I’ve come to the conclusion that some folks are just created to parent, and some are not. Unfortunately, in retrospect, I’ve often wondered if I’m in the latter category. Problem being, I realized this a little late in the game. My one child, a daughter, was no accident, though granted, I did purpose to conceive her for all the wrong reasons. I was young and painfully naïve, and in love with a man who was an alcoholic and had some serious problems with substance abuse. He was a binge drinker, meaning there were extended periods of weeks at a time when he was sober and straight, and during those times, he was perfect in so many ways. But like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, the side of him that was made manifest by chemicals and alcohol was a monster. Of course, during the times he was straight, he was incredibly sorrowful for his sins during the binge (rarely remembering very much of it) and swore to be committed to reform. But alas, these promises were always broken and the cycle went round and round until, very early in my pregnancy, I was faced with a moment of life and death decision, in which fortunately, I chose life for me and my unborn child. We had made the decision to conceive this child together, for he was certain that the responsibility of a child would help him stay the straight course. That was stupid – I see that now, did soon after, but could not see it then.

Through a rather painful and drawn out process, I was eventually able to break free from that mucky mess, but was left with a child to raise alone. Being a single mother is not easy – financially or emotionally – especially when you’re young and somewhat stupid (like I was), and really, not at all cut out for parenting even under the best of circumstances. I made many mistakes as I floundered my way through the process, trying to raise a child while trying to grow up myself. Looking back, I didn’t seem to be doing much worse a job than most other single moms I knew. Nonetheless, something went terribly wrong, most likely very early on in my daughter’s life really, though the sum total of the disastrous turn didn’t seem to fully manifest until the early preteens. It was downhill from there…has been ever since.

Today my daughter has been a drug addict, abusing more than one substance, including alcohol. She’s lived on the streets with her current boyfriend who appears to have the same problems she does, if not more. She has been convicted of Federal crimes of attempting to defraud the government in attempts to milk the system for housing and food stamps. She’s been incarcerated for various petty larcenies, in and out of halfway houses and homeless shelters. She’s had many opportunities to clean up her life and get back on her feet, all of which are always carelessly thrown away. She takes from everyone who tries to help her and gives nothing in return. She manipulates their pure intentions and uses them, either until they have nothing left to take or until they realize what she’s doing and cut her off.

Granted there are reasons for some of this socially dysfunctional behavior. My mother has always been severely mentally and emotionally disturbed (she’s now on medication – MUCH better!) and has in very large part, by her own mistakes, not only helped to create much of my daughter’s emotional imbalances, but also continued to enable them, as in adulthood, the two seem forever locked in a seriously codependent relationship. Nonetheless, as I’ve learned more about mental illnesses, I’ve come to believe that there is, and always was something inherently wrong with my daughter’s mind, that, had it been caught early enough and treated, might have changed the course of her life.

All I can do today is wonder ‘what if,’ and face the realities of today, dealing with it the best I know how. And while she continues to hurtle herself towards her own self-destruction, I’m left to pick up the pieces of the innocent lives her decisions have mortally wounded – two beautiful, precious children, with so much potential, just trying to find their own way in lives thrown terribly off course – two beautiful, precious children that I fear, she may never really know.

It seems likely that Granny has sought retirement...or perhaps more appropriately, has evolved into another identity. Visit awakenings for Granny's more current spiritual musings. I'm considering saving this blog for kid talk and updates on the grandkids.

Thanks for stopping by!

So many folks have expressed interest in my somewhat unusual spiritual belief system, and have asked that I share it. Actually, that was my original intent for this blog, that it would be almost exclusively my personal space for my commentary on spiritual things and social issues. But I was sidetracked for a season of ‘growth’ you might say – a season of learning, during which outwardly,  it seemed I was going nowhere. It was sort of like the winter season for many trees – the leaves fall off and to all outward appearances, the tree is dead. But the reality is that this is a season of RENEWAL for the tree – all of its energies and resources are turned INWARD, to repairing any damage done by environmental stresses such as droughts, floods, lightning, insects, wind, etc., and to rebuilding its life force for the coming season of outward growth.

Having come out of this unusual season of restoration (during which I felt I was being anything BUT restored), Granny has been literally OVERflowing with thoughts, meditations, and things to say on many subjects – so much so that my greatest effort has been to contain it all and find some logical, organized way to present it.

Who is this one called God? Would this be an appropriate starting place? Well, in my estimation, this is the concept in which all creation and consciousness found it’s beginning, and the concept in which it will all find its fulfillment and eventual evolution, until it has found its way back to the source.

God (or whatever you may wish to call this ‘one’), is the beginning (source) and the end (fulfillment), and everything in between (process). God is the force, the energy behind all things that exhibit life – that is things that are animated and show some level of ability to interact with their environment (“The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.”).

More importantly to me, is stimulating others to THINK about what THEY believe, and WHY they believe what they do. I like to observe the process of their sorting through such complicated things, not to mention that varying input from others with different views is a wonderful way for any individual to learn and develop their own belief system. And, like any living thing, a belief system that is not in a continual state of growth, has become DEAD (refer to the definition of “life” in the preceeding paragraph).

Therefore, your thoughts and comments on this subject are welcome. Who/what is God, in YOUR estimation? And why do you believe what YOU believe?

Your walk through life leads you into what becomes a dark and frightening tunnel. It’s dark, it’s cold, and the road is littered with obstacles that cause you to trip and stumble repeatedly. As the difficulty of your journey increases, you wonder, “Are my abilities sufficient to travel this way? Did I choose the wrong path?”

You continue to move forward, no longer sure of where this road will lead, nor if your fitness is equal to the challenge of this chosen path, but the way back would be too far, and you know you really don’t belong in that place anymore. So you trudge on in the darkness.

In exhaustion, you collapse on the side of the road and consider giving this up. It’s too far to go back and it’s too hard to go forward. Perhaps it would be better to just sit here alone until…

…it’s about that time you notice what seems to be the faintest glimmer up ahead. Could it be the END of this dark tunnel? Is there really LIGHT on the other side of this darkness?! It’s not much, but it is enough to give you the strength to go just a little farther. You stand again, and begin to walk slowly, but purposefully.

It’s not until you begin to reach the last few yards of the end of the tunnel that you begin to understand. All the obstacles that you stumbled upon as you trudged blindly through that dark, cold tunnel, had been very strategically placed. They were not placed there to hinder your journey, but to direct your steps and keep you moving forward.

A new day is dawning…a season of light. But there will be other seasons of darkness. Such is life. For everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.

And it is odd…it seems that with each passing through the dark places, that once on the other side and standing in the light of day, the light seems to be getting increasingly brighter.